Being Big.

For the few people who actually read this, you will notice my last post has been taken down. While I posted it in a joking manner (the stories were true, my attitude was meant to be taken as fun loving, ha ha, people are silly) I received some...negative feedback. I thought about retaliation and being equally as mean, however, I don't want that on my conscience.

I want to be the kind of person I want to be. I don't want to be someone who can't forgive, who can't apologize, who can't be someone that others would want to spend time with. I want to be the kind of person that my parents can be proud of, the kind of person people want to be friends with, the kind of person I look for when I choose my friends.

So this is me apologizing to those out there who were upset by my last post. I didn't mean it as a personal attack or to make you feel small about yourself. I meant it as a "let's all laugh about this" kind of thing. The thing about apologizing is I don't know if I expect forgiveness so much as you just need to know that I have.

On a cheerier note, I'm employed!

Love, Chelsea

A post about BOYS. And the stupid things they do.

Yes, I am still alive. It's been quite sometime but I'm still here. And I'm about to do something I did not think I ever would for fear that people mentioned may find and read this. However, said people aren't really important in my life so I'm doing it anyway.

This is a post to almost all the boys I've dated and the stupid stuff they've done to me. I hope you can laugh about them like I have and if you happen to be one of the offenders...I'm not looking for an apology and I'm definitely not hung up on you [and I hope you've grown from the experience and if not can learn a little something today!]

STUPID THINGS BOYS SHOULD NEVER DO [the following are all true experiences with the least amount of exaggeration added and definitely not in chronological order.]

1. Don't buy me an ID bracelet. I know my name. Just a cute piece of jewelry without my name on it is fine.

2. Don't ask me on a date to a fancy restaurant, break your arm the day before, make me cut up all your food for you PLUS carry your dessert from the buffet and then ask me to pay.

3. Don't be talking to me, bring up something personal, and then say, "Oh actually my girlfriend is here right now and I don't feel comfortable talking about it right now. Want to come over around 11 or so tonight?"

4. Don't blow a raspberry on my neck. Or try to on my stomach. Or my foot. I AM NOT 3.

5. Don't tell my friends that while you don't believe I will be good at something you still think I need to do it because I need to learn to be an adult and grow up. You tried to blow a raspberry on my stomach!

6. Don't tell me that you've received revelation that I need to go on a mission. (MORE THAN ONE BOY!)

7. Don't date me off and on for several months and then show up to church with your girlfriend and make ME sit next to her and answer the awkward question of, "so how do you know these guys?"

8. Don't ask me for help filling out scholarships and reading your poorly written essays, kiss me, tell me I'm wonderful and then inform me that you'd ask your girlfriend (now wife) but she isn't exactly the smartest.

9. Don't take me on a date and tell me beforehand that the last girl you took here was in better shape than me and you aren't sure if I'll be able to make it all the way.

10. Don't hint at getting my number repeatedly, steal my phone and put it in with any of the synonyms for "Stud" or "Hunk" and then introduce me to your fiance later that evening.

11. Don't take me to a family get together, insist I be in the family photo for the blog and then grab my butt as the picture is being taken.

12. Don't date me off and on for several months and then later inform me that you, "Never actually had any feelings" for me.

13. Don't call me a B***h and then say you only call me that because you love me.

14. Don't get gum stuck in my hair while we're watching a movie and then not tell me! Do you know how hard it was to get out!?

15. Don't take me to "the most redneck restaurant I could find" because I wear cowboy boots and grew up in a small town.

16. Don't squeeze my side and say, "Vending machines?"

17. Don't tell me I've been having trouble getting dates because, "Well, it's hard to get dates when you aren't pretty. I'm sure you can find something else to try and make up for it. Maybe you should wear lower cut shirts."

18. Don't ask if I lost all the weight out of my boobs when you haven't seen me in a while and I'm skinnier.

19. Don't dump me and in the same minute ask me where I'd like to be married.

20. Don't text me the day after you've told me that you never had feelings for me and ask how I am and other questions about my personal life. Once you've told someone you not only don't have feelings for them but NEVER did, you aren't privy to their personal life.

There are so many more but I'm tired of reliving my horrific dating life. Does anyone else have anything horrible a guy said or did to you? Please share so I don't feel like I'm the only "Tool Magnet!"

Love, Chelsea

Being Different.

I've been sitting here for a good hour trying to figure out how to start this post. What I really should be doing is packing since I'm leaving tomorrow at 6 am to move back to Utah. However, I am easily distracted and someone had posted an article on facebook. I'm Christian, unless you're gay. I would encourage everyone to read it. Think about it. I have been and as hard as I have tried to finish loading my car, I can't. I have too many thoughts and words in my head right now to be able to focus on anything else.

I was raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I served a mission for the church. I go to church every Sunday and would consider myself a Christian. "Mormons" as we are more commonly known have gotten a lot of flack for being "Homophobes" especially concerning Prop 8. I am not an official representative of the Church nor can I make an official statement for all members everywhere, but I can tell you what I think and believe. Please don't stop reading because I'm not about to try and convert you to "Mormonism." While my religion has very much shaped me into the person I am today, I will do my best to keep to phrases that everyone who reads this will understand although I will use (and define) some terms that relate to the Church.

As I said before, I was raised in the Church. I was baptized at age 8 and I even attended Brigham Young University-Provo,  the notorious "Mormon School". I also served a mission for the Church. (Mine was cut short due to medical problems) Needless to say that I very much believe what the LDS Church teaches. One such principle that I would like to quickly put a definition to is "free agency". I didn't know that many people didn't understand this term so briefly it means that we believe each of us is responsible and free to make our own decisions--no one makes them for us. Ultimately, we are in charge of our fate or destiny or whatever term you would like to use. This has always made sense to me. I may be influenced in one way or another but what I choose is ultimately my own choice.

I'd like to relate this term with the aforementioned article. No, not in a "You choose to be gay" way. That's not what I mean at all. I believe we all have our own struggles and whether or not being gay is a choice or not isn't my concern right now. As Single Dad Laughing, Dan, said in his article,

"I think it doesn’t matter if you or I or anybody else thinks homosexuality is a sin. It doesn’t matter if you or I think anything is a sin. It doesn’t matter if homosexuality is a sin or not. In fact, it doesn’t matter if anything anybody else does is a sin or not.

Because sin is a very personal thing! It always has been and it always will be!"

This is where "free agency" comes in. Dan expressed great concern for writing his article for fear of backlash. I write this knowing that there will be many people who read this who will disagree with what I have to say and how I interpret things, however, I am not afraid to share my beliefs. I'm not afraid to stand for what I believe. And right now, I want to stand for what I believe and I want to exercise my free agency.

I believe in LOVE. I believe in making the choice to accept people. There is a big distinction between accepting people and accepting actions or decisions. I said before, I have very strong beliefs. However, the strongest belief I have is that of love. I have a firm belief in loving people despite their actions that I might find "sinful" or "wrong". I am amongst a minority because I am a Mormon. I have heard nasty hate filled words from people. I even have lost friends because, "I can't be your friend if you keep going to the Mormon church because that means you are going to hell." I wasn't very old when this happened and it broke my heart. How is it that someone can judge me and not want to reach out and be my friend simply for my beliefs? I've been taught that God will judge us and I believe that. I believe that it is my responsibility to do MY best on this earth. I will live up to what I believe is right and I will make sure that I feel comfortable with where I stand in God's eyes.

Therefore, it isn't my place to look at someone and spew hate and venom in their direction because they make a choice that I believe is wrong. Where would that put me on my own personal standing? I believe that each of us is a child of God. We are literally Heavenly Father's children. He loves each of us so why shouldn't I? No, I will not participate in things I find wrong, but I won't stop being a friend. No, I'm not gay, but I have very dear loved ones and friends who are. Simply because they are gay does not mean that they are any worse at listening, talking, laughing, loving, sharing, and being a human being than any other person. I love them. I love my friends who have tatoos, piercings, different colored hair, different religious beliefs. And it's not just my friends I love, I hold no animosity towards anyone else who has chosen their own path in life (once again, I do not mean this in a way that I believe gays choose to be attracted to the same sex. Whether or not that is the case doesn't concern me because they are still people.)

I have chosen my path and to some it may seem strange. I have chosen to be a Mormon and I have chosen to be different--to stand out from the crowd in my own way. I have chosen to stand up for what I believe and I will not stand down. I have a moral compass and it points to love.

I know that at times I've made less than kind decisions in my life but I'm not perfect. I just do my best every day to be the kind of person my parents and my Heavenly Father can be proud of. I do my best to offer a helping hand to those in need, to smile as often as I can, to put my arm around someone and let them know I appreciate who they are. I hope that others can see the love I have for them. That I care about them as a PERSON. That you can't be defined by the piercings you have, the tatoos you have, or who you are attracted to. I believe you are defined by how you treat others.

A little food for thought: How do you treat others who are different from you?

I don't normally receive many responses to posts that I have put up so if you have an opinion I would love to hear it. I'd like to challenge everyone to make a new friend this week--someone who is different than you, someone you may have deemed "weird" before. As I've come to know, outside appearances really don't amount to much.

With love,

Chelsea

Home.

I officially gave my "homecoming" talk last Sunday. Being home is really interesting. Mostly just because I wasn't expecting to be here but I am fortunate enough to have a loving home to come back to. Anyway, here is my homecoming talk. (I'm a bum and wanted an easy post. It is kind of long though.) 

with love, Chelsea

Writing this talk was a little difficult for me. A lot easier than writing about the first topic I was given—the millennium. Thankfully I was asked to instead speak on my mission experience. As most everyone is aware, my mission experience was much shorter than anticipated and I never made it out of the MTC. I had so many wonderful experiences in my short time that it’s difficult to express my feelings about my mission. What is even more difficult is trying to put into words what my mission did for me. I learned more about myself and who I was, and more importantly who I was in Heavenly Father’s plan, than I have at any other time in my short 21 years here on earth.

Picking out what to talk about proved to be pretty hard. I thought long and hard about it though and decided to share a couple things that have quite literally changed who I am. First, I’ll share something that I discovered on my own and then I’ll follow up with a talk that Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles gave to the missionaries while I was at the MTC.

The MTC is nothing short of…well…a magical place in all honesty. Everyone will have their own feelings and opinions about their experiences in the MTC but I loved it. You are amongst some of the most amazing individuals 24/7—except for those who work there as teachers and janitors and security guards, everyone there is set apart. You are surrounded by hundreds of people who have the mantel of the Lord upon them and the feeling in the MTC is one you would be hard pressed to find in any other place. There is the greatest feeling of love, acceptance, and the Spirit of God. You spend your time studying the Gospel of Jesus Christ so that you might be able to help others and change their lives. The catch with this is that you can’t help change other people’s lives until you’ve changed your own.

One of the many things that changed who I was was an experience I had while reading in Ether 2. This is the story of the Brother of Jared. At this particular point, the Brother of Jared has built barges with which to cross to the promise land but is concerned because there is no light or air in the barges. In verses 22-25 he discusses this problem with the Lord. 

22 And he cried again unto the Lord saying: O Lord, behold I have done even as thou hast commanded me; and I have prepared the vessels for my people, and behold there is no light in them. Behold, O Lord, wilt thou suffer that we shall cross this great water in darkness?

 23 And the Lord said unto the brother of Jared: What will ye that I should do that ye may have light in your vessels? For behold, ye cannot have ^awindows, for they will be dashed in pieces; neither shall ye take fire with you, for ye shall not go by the light of fire.

 24 For behold, ye shall be as a ^awhale in the midst of the sea; for the mountain waves shall dash upon you. Nevertheless, I will bring you up again out of the depths of the sea; for the ^bwinds have gone forth ^cout of my mouth, and also the ^drains and the floods have I sent forth.

 25 And behold, I prepare you against these things; for ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you against the waves of the sea, and the winds which have gone forth, and the floods which shall come. Therefore what will ye that I should prepare for you that ye may have light when ye are swallowed up in the depths of the sea?

            I know that I always heard my Sunday school teachers tell me to apply scriptures to my own life but until the very moment I read this scripture, I had struggled with applying what had happened hundreds and hundreds of years ago, to my own life. However, we know that the Book of Mormon was written for our days, with us in mind. We are the very people that the ancient prophets saw in visions. The long and short of it is I applied these scriptures to myself. Rather than reading this as the story of the Brother of Jared, I read it as my own story. I had been sick from almost the moment I entered the MTC with bronchitis and fatigue amongst other things. Didn’t this trial I was facing count as a “great water” as the Brother of Jared called it? The most life changing phrases I found as I read where the words of the Lord.

            In verse 23 the Lord explains what the Brother of Jared can NOT have in the barges. No windows or fire. I’m sure we are all familiar with being told what we can’t have. However, in verses 24 and 25, the Lord describes to the Brother of Jared what his great journey will be like. For me, He described my life.

24 For behold, ye shall be as a ^awhale in the midst of the sea; for the mountain waves shall dash upon you. Nevertheless, I will bring you up again out of the depths of the sea; for the ^bwinds have gone forth ^cout of my mouth, and also the ^drains and the floods have I sent forth.

 25 And behold, I prepare you against these things; for ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you against the waves of the sea, and the winds which have gone forth, and the floods which shall come. Therefore what will ye that I should prepare for you that ye may have light when ye are swallowed up in the depths of the sea?

            Heavenly Father gives us our challenges—they are from Him. As He says in verse 25, “..ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you…” His final words in chapter 2 are, “Therefore, what will ye that I should prepare for you that ye may have light when ye are swallowed up in the depths of the sea?” Rather than provide an answer for the Brother of Jared, Heavenly Father asks him what he wants. The Lord does this in our lives, too. While it may be frustrating because we want Him to just tell us what to do, we have our own agency and it is our life.

            The story then continues in chapter 3. The Brother of Jared thinks about what he would ask of from the Lord and then goes before Him again. He has brought before the Lord 16 stones that he himself has made. He then bows before the Lord in humble prayer and asks that the Lord if might have these 16 stones be a light unto him in his travels through the sea. Once again, I read this as my own story and not the Brother of Jared’s. Heavenly Father loves me enough to give me challenges and to push me to become better. He also provides a way for me to overcome these challenges but doesn’t just give them to me. Instead, I must take before Him my own “16 Stones” that I have prepared so that the Lord might make them a light unto me in my journey.

I did just that. I wrote down my own “16 Stones”. I prayed about them and then presented them as things in my life that I would like to have to help me through my journey. As each of us is unique and each of our own stories are unique, our 16 Stones will be very different from each others, but I would like to share some with you. When I first came up with these stones, I was fully expecting to be on my mission for the next 18 months. Therefore, I wrote down what I thought would help me on my mission. What I didn’t know, is that as the Holy Ghost guided and directed me, I was actually writing down what would get me through this difficult part of my journey.

• Testimony
• Patience
• Knowledge
• Charity
• Eyes to see tender mercies
• Change and the ability to accept change
• Obedience
• Strength
• The companionship of the Holy Ghost
• The gift of Discernment
• Family and Friend Support
• Diligence
• Humility
• Virtue
• And Hope

I have a testimony that the Lord has blessed me with each of these gifts. I have a firm testimony that while our trials are hard and difficult and sometimes seemingly unbearable, that they are from the Lord. I can’t know what I know and look at the Lord and be angry with Him and ask, “Why me?” Instead, I know that this is my opportunity to develop an even stronger testimony of the love my Heavenly Father has for me and the true meaning of the Atonement.

Finally, I would like to share something that Elder Holland shared. His talk changed every aspect of my life. I don’t mean this with any exaggeration, either. If I could pinpoint a moment where my life changed, it would be during this talk. As part of his talk, he did a question and answer period. I don’t know that I have ever received that good of advice let alone a full hour of it. There were two questions though that impacted the way I conduct myself. The first question was this, “What is the most important thing that Jesus Christ wants us to know right now?”

Elder Holland’s response:

He told the truth. Everything that Jesus Christ said was true. You can believe Him and trust in the Lord with all thine heart.

I want everyone here to know that I know that Jesus Christ told the truth. I know that He is our Savior, He truly is the only Begotten Son of God. I know that what He taught about love, charity, virtue, integrity, all of it is true. I know that He suffered for ME and had it been that I were the only person who needed saving, that He would do it anyway. That He would do it for each of us and that He has. I know that He has felt what I am experiencing, what I have experienced, and what I will experience in my future. I believe Him. I don’t just believe IN Him, I believe Him. I believe all of His teachings and I strive to do my best to be someone that He can be proud of—who is worthy of the great sacrifice He made.

The second question was, “Why does God love us?”

Elder Holland’s response:

“I am not perfect, there is nothing in this life that I can claim to be perfect at. However, I am nearly perfect in the love that I have for my children. There is not anything I would not do for my children in righteousness. If that is true for a simple man in mortality, how could it not be even more so for our Heavenly Father who IS perfect. He gave the Perfect One for the imperfect ones. We literally, truly, eternally are His children.”

I know this to be true. Each night and each morning, I start my day off with a prayer. Sometimes it is a simple one, others it will last for quite some time. Why? Because I am speaking with my Father in Heaven and I know that He cares about me and wants to hear from me. I know that He cares for each of us and wants to hear from each of us. He wants us to sit down and tell him about our day—just like our parents did when we came home from school when we were little. He is our literal Father in Heaven and He always will be. He will always care for us and will always want the best for us. He wants to know what happened in my day even if it was the same thing that happened yesterday, even if I spent the day being sick. I know this to be true.

My mission was short but it changed me. I wouldn’t trade the experience. I wouldn’t have had my health taken care of before I left had I known what would happen. I know that the Lord has a specific plan for me and that I am where I need to be right now. I am so grateful for the gospel in my life. I can’t express the joy I experience by knowing that my family will be together through eternity. I know that my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me and I believe Him.

I say these things in the name of my Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, amen.

leaving footprints

Yesterday was one of those days and I really wanted to write a blog post but just didn't feel well. Today is another one of those days only a little worse but I still wanted to do a post and I figure if I wait around for a good day I won't be posting for a LONG time.

I was painting yesterday; sitting on the ground, barefoot in an oversize sweatshirt (pretty much normal). As I was painting I accidentally painted the bottom of my foot. I know you're wondering how it was an accident but it was just the way I was sitting and the angle. The very first thought that popped into my head was, "Well, that is certainly one way to leave footprints on this earth." [And I'm not talking my carbon footprint.]

Maybe it is just because I have so much time that I spend alone but I think. A LOT. And one thing I've been thinking about lately is how my actions affect others. I have a lot of trouble falling asleep at night because no matter what position I seem to be in it hurts so the other night I went back over my life thus far.

I've lived in the same place for 12 years (minus college) and because it is such a small town I spent elementary school, middle school, and high school with the same people. I don't talk to almost any of them which seems so sad. The question is WHY? When I first started thinking about it, I approached it the same way I always have: I am Mormon and I chose to not participate in the partying and drinking which meant that I didn't have friends. As I was laying there, it suddenly hit me: That was NOT why I felt like I didn't have friends. I didn't have friends because I wasn't a real friend. I wanted so badly for others to reach out to me and be MY friend that I didn't bother to be that friend for others.

Armed with that knowledge I want to apologize to all those I went to school with. I'm sorry for feeling sorry for myself for not having felt like I didn't have friends when I should have been a better friend. I want to apologize for anything I ever did that may have hurt or offended you, for anything I didn't do that I should have (like called to see if you were feeling ok, or give you a hug when you looked a little blue.) I hated high school but I know that we were all young and immature; we all said things we regret and I don't want those to be the footprints I have left on this earth.

I hope I can leave footprints of love, compassion, kindness, knowledge, sympathy, charity, hope, virtue, integrity, honesty. I hope that I can touch someone's heart for good and that I'm remembered for having been someone who helped for the better and didn't cause a painful scar. I want to be able to leave my mark in a positive way. What kind of mark will you leave?

the other side of someday

Two blog posts in one day!? I know, I'm getting a little crazy but it's my blog. I just wanted to explain myself.

Yeah, I changed the name of my blog.

I always talk about, "Someday I'm going to..."

Well, not any more. I've looked and haven't seen "someday" anywhere on any calendar. So I've decided that this is my someday and I'm going to make it what I want.

[Way to get all deep, Chelsea, right? Alright so it's the more shallow side of deep but still.]

Loving myself makes me want to sing.

Today, I found THIS. And THIS.

Ok, so that is a blatant lie. I'm sorry to have started this post off this way. It's been a while and yet I'm already telling lies. I apologize and promise to never let it happen again.

Now, I'll be honest. I didn't find those today, in fact, I found them back sometime in June I think. I even started out a post by writing that one sentence and then promptly forgot about them. I think they mean a lot more to me now than when I found them, though. Why? Well, let me tell you what's been going on in my life.

In June, I got mono. Finally, the time came that I left on my mission. July 27, 2011. I should have been gone for 18 months, right? Yeah, that's what I thought, too. I loved every second of my mission--even when it was hard, even when I had bronchitis. Amongst other health problems. Which brings us to why I was honorably released from my mission on September 21, 2011. Five days shy of leaving the MTC and going to New Mexico. Perhaps I'll share some of my mission stories (the few I have) at some other time.

That brings us to now. I've been to the doctor several times since I've been home and have a laparoscopic surgery scheduled at the end of November. Hopefully that will bring us some answers. Until then, all we have are some guesses-valid guesses, but guesses nonetheless. The first and foremost guess being that I have what is called endometriosis. Of course they aren't sure and for now I just have to deal with immense pain until it is resolved. Whenever that happens.

Which also means that I'm back home living with my parents in Oregon. Some days I can't even get out of bed because I'm so tired. I don't have a job or money. And the closest I've been to even being asked on a date? When the doctor in the Emergency Room on Sunday asked if I was single or married.

Sometimes it is hard to motivate ourselves. I've had a hell of a time doing just that. But I'm learning some lessons. I'm learning about patience and how to let others help me. It's hard when you are such an independent person but something I learned in the past few days? Even though most people I talk to may not know what exactly I'm going through, they can still have good advice and I'm not the only person having a hard time.

One of the greatest blessings on this earth and in the mortal journey? Other people. Why? Because we get to serve each other. We get to empathize with, love, care for, and help each other. And we get to help ourselves. So, I'm not going to be selfish and focus on what is going wrong in my life. Instead, I will take it day by day. Some days I can't get out of bed. Some days I feel so nauseated I can't walk straight. And some days, I can get out of bed and walk straight and do things I enjoy. And EVERY day, I can feel love and joy no matter the circumstance.