Thursday, October 27, 2011

leaving footprints

Yesterday was one of those days and I really wanted to write a blog post but just didn't feel well. Today is another one of those days only a little worse but I still wanted to do a post and I figure if I wait around for a good day I won't be posting for a LONG time.

I was painting yesterday; sitting on the ground, barefoot in an oversize sweatshirt (pretty much normal). As I was painting I accidentally painted the bottom of my foot. I know you're wondering how it was an accident but it was just the way I was sitting and the angle. The very first thought that popped into my head was, "Well, that is certainly one way to leave footprints on this earth." [And I'm not talking my carbon footprint.]

Maybe it is just because I have so much time that I spend alone but I think. A LOT. And one thing I've been thinking about lately is how my actions affect others. I have a lot of trouble falling asleep at night because no matter what position I seem to be in it hurts so the other night I went back over my life thus far.

I've lived in the same place for 12 years (minus college) and because it is such a small town I spent elementary school, middle school, and high school with the same people. I don't talk to almost any of them which seems so sad. The question is WHY? When I first started thinking about it, I approached it the same way I always have: I am Mormon and I chose to not participate in the partying and drinking which meant that I didn't have friends. As I was laying there, it suddenly hit me: That was NOT why I felt like I didn't have friends. I didn't have friends because I wasn't a real friend. I wanted so badly for others to reach out to me and be MY friend that I didn't bother to be that friend for others.

Armed with that knowledge I want to apologize to all those I went to school with. I'm sorry for feeling sorry for myself for not having felt like I didn't have friends when I should have been a better friend. I want to apologize for anything I ever did that may have hurt or offended you, for anything I didn't do that I should have (like called to see if you were feeling ok, or give you a hug when you looked a little blue.) I hated high school but I know that we were all young and immature; we all said things we regret and I don't want those to be the footprints I have left on this earth.

I hope I can leave footprints of love, compassion, kindness, knowledge, sympathy, charity, hope, virtue, integrity, honesty. I hope that I can touch someone's heart for good and that I'm remembered for having been someone who helped for the better and didn't cause a painful scar. I want to be able to leave my mark in a positive way. What kind of mark will you leave?

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

the other side of someday

Two blog posts in one day!? I know, I'm getting a little crazy but it's my blog. I just wanted to explain myself.

Yeah, I changed the name of my blog.

I always talk about, "Someday I'm going to..."

Well, not any more. I've looked and haven't seen "someday" anywhere on any calendar. So I've decided that this is my someday and I'm going to make it what I want.

[Way to get all deep, Chelsea, right? Alright so it's the more shallow side of deep but still.]

Loving myself makes me want to sing.

Today, I found THIS. And THIS.

Ok, so that is a blatant lie. I'm sorry to have started this post off this way. It's been a while and yet I'm already telling lies. I apologize and promise to never let it happen again.

Now, I'll be honest. I didn't find those today, in fact, I found them back sometime in June I think. I even started out a post by writing that one sentence and then promptly forgot about them. I think they mean a lot more to me now than when I found them, though. Why? Well, let me tell you what's been going on in my life.

In June, I got mono. Finally, the time came that I left on my mission. July 27, 2011. I should have been gone for 18 months, right? Yeah, that's what I thought, too. I loved every second of my mission--even when it was hard, even when I had bronchitis. Amongst other health problems. Which brings us to why I was honorably released from my mission on September 21, 2011. Five days shy of leaving the MTC and going to New Mexico. Perhaps I'll share some of my mission stories (the few I have) at some other time.

That brings us to now. I've been to the doctor several times since I've been home and have a laparoscopic surgery scheduled at the end of November. Hopefully that will bring us some answers. Until then, all we have are some guesses-valid guesses, but guesses nonetheless. The first and foremost guess being that I have what is called endometriosis. Of course they aren't sure and for now I just have to deal with immense pain until it is resolved. Whenever that happens.

Which also means that I'm back home living with my parents in Oregon. Some days I can't even get out of bed because I'm so tired. I don't have a job or money. And the closest I've been to even being asked on a date? When the doctor in the Emergency Room on Sunday asked if I was single or married.

Sometimes it is hard to motivate ourselves. I've had a hell of a time doing just that. But I'm learning some lessons. I'm learning about patience and how to let others help me. It's hard when you are such an independent person but something I learned in the past few days? Even though most people I talk to may not know what exactly I'm going through, they can still have good advice and I'm not the only person having a hard time.

One of the greatest blessings on this earth and in the mortal journey? Other people. Why? Because we get to serve each other. We get to empathize with, love, care for, and help each other. And we get to help ourselves. So, I'm not going to be selfish and focus on what is going wrong in my life. Instead, I will take it day by day. Some days I can't get out of bed. Some days I feel so nauseated I can't walk straight. And some days, I can get out of bed and walk straight and do things I enjoy. And EVERY day, I can feel love and joy no matter the circumstance.